Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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