thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
