the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Randomize
