it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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