I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
