if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
