you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
