Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
