Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
