There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
