i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
