It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
