Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
