i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
