im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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