where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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