I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
