You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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