i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Enjoy the penises
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
