just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
