I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
