It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
