one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
