So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
