Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
