Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
