So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
