Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
