if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
