I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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