I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
