My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
