dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
