I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
