I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
