Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
