Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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