she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
