What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
