I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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