I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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