I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
