When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
