It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
