I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
