I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You don't make any sense
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