He passed out mid-signature
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
