NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
