I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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