I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
All the doctor said was why
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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