i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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