I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
