dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
