you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
