When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
