it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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