She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
