Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
