Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
