Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
