He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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