Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
