this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
