it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
