hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
