the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
