he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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