I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
